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Fraud Complex

by Brian is Ze

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1.
I got just enough money for a one way ticket No bags packed just these bottles Steady sipping I don't even plan to leave the house I'm staying in forever and I'm never coming out I'm using liquor as a weapon I'm stepping over the edge I'm breaking every pledge That I'd call you looking down from this ledge I leave a message at the bottom of these empty bottles A suicide note that says "I hope to be forgotten" Always wishing that I never was Hope it gets better but it never does Holed up in my head seeing visions of me dead waiting for the end and it never comes I keep on hoping Our hope is not the same Our hope is not the same Our hope is not the same Another one down Another one out Another one bottoms up Bottles piled up I can't apologize enough But if I say "I love you. I'm sorry." People tense up Nobody gets rest Get the hence It's all fake fucks And pretense My defense is down I down another round And it takes along My sense Socialized cis How am I supposed to exist I've been a lot of things Mostly an insufferable shit Been a son, brother, and husband but never a father With everything I've helped create why would I even bother Everything I thought that I was doing was a lie Everything I ruined is the truth of my life I got just enough money for a one way ticket No bags packed just these bottles Steady sipping I don't even plan to leave the house I'm staying in forever and I'm never coming out Kiss my scars Keep my blood in jars You'll never salvage all the bests parts of who we are And that's okay Everything ends Just remember me from when I was still capable of being friends I know from your perspective I changed but this was always there I tried my best to kill it quietly to keep you unaware I never wanted you to see or hear or feel that side of me So all along I tried my best to sit and suffer silently I was always honest about how bad it could get But I broke out all the warning signs that said you should have left Now I'm lying in this bed made of rubble And I still can't even get you to admit I was trouble (Pour) I pour a double (pour (Pour) I pour a double (Poor me) (Pour) I pour a double sipping straight from the bottle between sips (Pour) I pour a double I got just enough money for a one way ticket No bags packed just these bottles Steady sipping I don't even plan to leave the house I'm staying in forever and I'm never coming out Constantly plagued by my fraud complex Play your position I been pissing on the false I've been pissing off the gods Cause I don't see em at all I don't see that seat as a throne I just see you sitting alone But you want that life cause of what that's like just to get that light and be known But if you did the work you would know what it's like to be on top and wish to be home Just wish you could go Just wish you could disappear with your gear to a place in the woods with no phone I'm on my Bon Iver I'm on my never there I'm on my surrounded by people but silent vacant stare I don't care Give a fuck about the fallout Been at it all alone I don't need yall now I don't take calls let it ring off the hook Give a look at a glance I'm fucking killing this shit I got just enough money for a one way ticket No bags packed just these bottles Steady sipping I don't even plan to leave the house I'm staying in forever and I'm never coming out
2.
Have you ever felt worthless Have you ever felt worth more than this I hold the throttle can't pull it back I push it forward Be forewarned this ride is going nowhere fast And I never made the time to install Seatbelts, brakes or airbags Just before the crash I'll mash on the gas hit the nitros blast Trying to make sure velocity is terminal Too many times I've been standing on the brink and abruptly brought back When it could've been so easy to be gone in a blink It kind of makes me think that I might just have a purpose Because it sure as fuck isn't good luck And I'm just trying not to be worthless Have you ever felt worthless Have you ever felt worth more than this Rhyming these words in a rhythm Just trying to give them purpose Purportedly I'm more than the Average asshole with avarice I want the world and everything in it But not for the sake of just saying I'm winning I want it for you I want it for me Everyone feeling the need to bleed to be heard No one is going to war over words anymore Just because no one is listening See the future See it glistening, glimmering I can just make out that last bit of hope Hold with this like the North Star shining A guiding light calling us home Have you ever felt worthless Have you ever felt worth more than this Words are for rhythm The venom is in the connotation You seem complacent when nothing should offer consolation When I work these words This is what it's worth to be birthed on the brink of a breech Bolt cutter teeth Bold with the breadth of a beast Meals over sleep Millions of miles on my losing streak But I'm losing no sleep I haven't reached my peak And I would still sacrifice to see the family feast I'll never let you see a full on famine It would be foolish to fathom Ghost like a phantom Death to the thought like Latin Laughing it off Lavish with love Living a life with no luxury Lugging this baggage chip on my shoulder The doctor thought the weight was of an adolescent Baby weight. It'll fall off when you're older Dark horse candidate for Hometown hero Running on a platform To burn the city down like Nero But I'll build on the ashes Keep driving with a crack in the axis Keep fighting with a crack in the armor Keep working. No breaks like a bad shift Or like a cut in the line Only thing that I'm full of in life is sacrifice Never fall Never slip in the least What truth is burden to a beast I can bare the weight Most can barely bare to watch me Have you ever felt worthless Have you ever felt worth more than this
3.
I need a little bit I need a little bit I need a little bit I need a little bit There's a fine little line between mania-and motivation I been grinding I been racing While the others get complacent Ain't no fucking up my pacing I'm so calm I look sedated My nerves are so steady that I look like I already made it Talking bout awards but that ain't fucking up my concentration Terror of the sophomore slump what I've been contemplating Trying not to dwell on all the murders that the police making Shed a tear for all the dead I would die of dehydration Damn Got a lot on my mind So many people hurting and such precious little time Can't pretend I'm not defined By the view of a stranger's eye However I identify They just see a black guy So I'm...damned if I do Dead if I don't do Antithetical to unethical streams of revenue Would be anarchist but civilians wanna kill me too I'll never be safe but your kids might catch a breath or two I need a little bit I need a little bit I need a little bit I need a little bit I let my beast of burden sip bourbon and burn a little bit Take all the years of dying inside and turn it in to this Always seemed to have a sort of sad sense of morbid bliss Never really had the concept of any more than this Mortified to have a life span of more than twenty six Never had the dedication to avoid the river Styx Further tied down to my own sinking ship And the band played on I've been so gone Face looking so gaunt Not getting what I need No idea what I want Thousand yard stare Mind on some other shit Feels like it's so close All I need is a little bit I can't seem to find a grip And realize why My people are dying And they're fine with it I don't really know what they expect to get When everybody I love is in danger of death I need a little bit I need a little bit I need a little bit I need a little bit All I need is a reason for the bleed Diagnose my disease I don't need your hope I made my own I hope to make it home And see my friends again Without my plans including more funerals to attend Heaven is a lie to keep hope alive is a lie Otherwise certain things would justify suicide I don't need your hell Already lived it When I asked for help I saw nary a finger lifted Gifted with the curse of caring for human beings Who care about human beings without threat of hellfire But that's me You can do your own thing If you can pop ambien and sleep at night knowing We don't need cops We don't even need laws We don't need kings We don't even need gods They don't bring safety Don't even bring gauze They don't wanna save us Think we too flawed I need a little bit I need a little bit I need a little bit I need a little bit
4.
People Like 03:29
People like us just don't know when to stop Shoot for the chest Aim for the top If we keep on building its destined to pop Won't quiet down til the sound of the shot Staying in the penthouse sleeping on a cot Thousand count sheets but my pillow is a rock I don't count sheep just staring at the clock Attracting moths with the fire that I got let it burn Let em learn let em lie let em live Counting pros and cons on the railing of a bridge Cavalry is coming cut em off at the ridge Not enough graves tell the motherfuckers dig Tell em dig or fuck it just let em drop Stop shut em down Open up shop Tell em dig Or fuck it just let em drop People like us just don't know when to stop I get no sleep I only see you in my dreams I get no sleep I only see you in my dreams Let em learn let em lie let em live Counting pros and cons on the railing of a bridge Cavalry is coming cut em off at the ridge Not enough graves tell the motherfuckers dig Tell em dig or fuck it just let em drop Stop shut em down Open up shop Tell em dig Or fuck it just let em drop People like us just don't know when to stop I get no sleep I only see you in my dreams I get no sleep I only see you in my dreams I get no sleep Wake up to nose bleeds Must've nodded off Wipe it off on my shirt sleeve Everyday occurence Everyday exceptions must be made And I prefer it Profit over progress Progression of infection Losing the value of a dollar is a valuable lesson Profit over progress Progression of infection Everyday occurence Everyday is perfect Everyday occurence Everday is perfect Everyday occurence Everday is perfect Every day is Every day is I get no sleep I only see you in my dreams I get no sleep I only see you in my dreams Let em learn let em lie let em live Counting pros and cons on the railing of a bridge Cavalry is coming cut em off at the ridge Not enough graves tell the motherfuckers dig Tell em dig or fuck it just let em drop Stop shut em down Open up shop Tell em dig Or fuck it just let em drop People like us just don't know when to stop
5.
When It Ends 01:49
I had a false start I set some bad alliances And everybody saw me walking Head first into the lions den No grudges No remorse I learned a lot from it Lets all just move forth Forward in force Enforce a better mindset Mind a modern marvel set in marble Hard to dissect Dropped out twice Had to start teaching Quit going to church Had to start preaching Part and parcel to being partial To the full truth Live love in praxis To preach love's truth I'm different Check the differentials At peace with the physical And the existential I'm mental. Mindful Mind full of faith, too Mind all the petty bits of evil That I do And I know and I know That there's gotta be something more There's just got to be something more Just gotta be something And I know and I know That there's gotta be something more There's just got to be something more To you to me to us to all of it You me us all of it All of it all of it all of it I'm young and I'm black and my hat's real low To some that's three strikes to me that's just life Wait. Strike that. Struck out and struck down Stuck on the staying alive and in the right now Put this in to your pipe and bite down Hard pill to swallow He's been smoking a lot now I don't think he's coping He's not really open He's not really in a mind state that let's hope in Hopefully he'll change His hope isn't the same Heart, head, lungs, and liver victims of things he did to maintain Hack the mainframe Minds are like computers With no planned obsolescence Just ready for the future Let them be Veblen When wallowing and reveling Rife with the struggle and strife Of being better than Friends on paper Battle to the bitter end And when it all ends Well, it just ends
6.
The New Deal 02:41
3pm and something just feels wrong Did I forget to take all of my medication? Everybody else seems so happy but I Can't figure out occasion for celebration I gotta let it out cause when it's seeping in It seems a bit to tight underneath my own skin and I Feel like I have to lay low Communications breakdown and I don't really know If I should stay or go I don't know what love means I just know that I can't be peaceful when you love me but when I piss somebody off and you hear "Peace, love". you know exactly what that means, love I was getting too good at goodbyes until my main lady came along and opened my eyes I don't have it yet all figured out but I know when it's not the right time to bounce I've been dealing with my own messed up life You've been dealing with you're own messed up life Both of us have had such messed up lives I don't understand why this can't change tonight 3am and something still feels wrong Guess I won't get to sleep until about dawn Now the whole day is gone Not that I really know what fucking day it is anyway Did I forget when mama said, "You're okay, son" Did I forget she said, "You got this. Stay strong." I don't mean to make you out to be a liar but I think I need a new prayer this one only kept away the priors I'm doing good, right? I don't mean I'm doing well. I mean you see me in a good light. I'm doing good, right? Because I'm not doing well and I could use some self worth Look at the moonlight It just takes off and goes and it never comes back That's not for me, right? I just gotta sit and wait... I've been dealing with my own messed up life You've been dealing with you're own messed up life Both of us have had such messed up lives I don't understand why this can't change tonight
7.
We are who we are When we aren't ourselves It hurts us all I hurt you so badly I can't take it back Alone I crawl Listening to podcasts sitting on the patio Smoking cigarettes by myself before the show Trying to stay present Even if it's lonely This is how I made it This is how it's gone be If I can fight through feeling like this I think that I can make it Been so long since I felt anything at all So dissociated And I think Better yet I know I'll see another sunrise even if it's alone And when everybody's gone I can always come home And if they all come back I really should've known Gotta learn to trust right along with the love Can't let the fear be stronger than us Gotta learn to hear when they tell me they love me If it sounds sincere then assume that it must be We are who we are When we aren't ourselves It hurts us all I hurt you so badly I can't take it back Alone I crawl Fighting panic attacks with Benadryl and cigarettes Because I rap and I'm black I'm clearly an addict Always had a hard time asking for help It feels so selfish doing things for myself Everybody loves me Everybody cares No matter how I am They feel better that I'm there It's just so hard to believe you It's just so hard to believe you I've been through so much all alone I've been through so much all alone It's no ones fault but mine you weren't there I built up these walls with vacant stares Left you knocking at the door With no one home We are who we are When we aren't ourselves It hurts us all I hurt you so badly I can't take it back Alone I crawl I just wanna let you know I'm back I hope it's for good You know I can't promise I wish that I could I don't like leaving anymore than you like seeing it I'm trying to get better I hope you can believe in it Hope you can stay But if you do go away Know that I get it And I still give thanks Know that I'm still about to do what it takes I'm doing this to cure way more than the heartbreak I've been on the verge of a breakdown Can't even look myself in the face now Can't take the way I can't feel when I'm being given love and can't conceive it could be real I can't live like this anymore And no one should And no one should And no one should We are who we are When we aren't ourselves It hurts us all I hurt you so badly I can't take it back Alone I crawl
8.
I have been but will not live Invisible It's hard living when you're nonbinary And you just aren't feeling so confrontational On good days it seems like going outside Could just be anothergreat way to waste it all Got so many things we've gotta parce thru Without having to defend ourselves to you Without having to explain ourselves to you It's not even explaining what we do It's explaining our existence to you And not listening to The most hateful of views And the haste that we make just to take space to live Is a burden that I can't understand why you give but It's okay We're alright Wake up every day And we live this life We're okay We're alright Wake up every day And keep living this life like I have been but will not live Invisible What I am and who I am Is none of your concern You should learn To just let me be Responsibility to teach Doesn't fall on me Take a step back and just let me breathe My gender's not dependent on what you see That's why I act irreverent and dip like "peace!" I just want to believe that my friends are safe Don't need to look cis just for safety's sake I'm on stage feeling like my heart could break Seeing my people sing along like its amazing grace And I only play shows where the space is safe Cause I don't write these songs for fake allies Think they have enough And we don't get too much That's why I write all of these songs for us Some people thinkthat I pander to a niche I would make this for myself if it couldn't be released 'cause It's not about pride It's genocide Forget marriage I just want all of my friends alive Can we talk about what really matters? Fact of the matter is it matters to me I'm black. I'm queer I'm not safe here I can't just move It's not just fear It's the state of world that we live in Thoughts and the standards that children are given They want to talk about who's fault it isn't When the truth is that they don't want it different Saying that it hits your heart and it moves you Won't admit or forfeit the ways it behooves you We come together so we can try To make sure each other make it home at night We come together so we can try To keep waking up everyday and living this life like I have been but will not live Invisible

about

This album and the demo quality are the result of the breakdowns of a person and a computer. Lost files made it impossible to refine them to a higher quality. The unrefined quality better represents my mind state when these tracks were made.

This album is pay what you want because I want it to be available to anyone who it may help get thru any situtaion

credits

released July 11, 2016

Brian is Ze did all this crap alone in zir room over beats Queermo produced except for Jolene Montes' backing vocals on Crawl (The Repercussions of Dissociating) (Hope) and Doomstress Alexis' vocals on Invisible We which was recorded at Steamboat Amp Works' studio. Thanks for John Palladina for connecting me with Steamboat.

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Brian is Ze Houston, Texas

Brian is Ze is a lyricist and producer from Houston, TX. Fearless, bereft of fucks, and always on some new shit, Ze pioneered an era of aggresively socially conscious art in Houston. With rap style ripped from the mouths of the hip hop pantheon brandished with a scythe of pure wit and production like 8 genres ate each other, it's like a record store had a brawl and Ze won. ... more

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