1. |
Goodbye, Las Vegas
04:30
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I got just enough money for a one way ticket
No bags packed just these bottles
Steady sipping
I don't even plan to leave the house
I'm staying in forever and I'm never coming out
I'm using liquor as a weapon
I'm stepping over the edge
I'm breaking every pledge
That I'd call you looking down from this ledge
I leave a message at the bottom of these empty bottles
A suicide note that says "I hope to be forgotten"
Always wishing that I never was
Hope it gets better but it never does
Holed up in my head seeing visions of me dead waiting for the end and it never comes
I keep on hoping
Our hope is not the same
Our hope is not the same
Our hope is not the same
Another one down
Another one out
Another one bottoms up
Bottles piled up
I can't apologize enough
But if I say "I love you. I'm sorry." People tense up
Nobody gets rest
Get the hence
It's all fake fucks
And pretense
My defense is down
I down another round
And it takes along
My sense
Socialized cis
How am I supposed to exist
I've been a lot of things
Mostly an insufferable shit
Been a son, brother, and husband but never a father
With everything I've helped create why would I even bother
Everything I thought that I was doing was a lie
Everything I ruined is the truth of my life
I got just enough money for a one way ticket
No bags packed just these bottles
Steady sipping
I don't even plan to leave the house
I'm staying in forever and I'm never coming out
Kiss my scars
Keep my blood in jars
You'll never salvage all the bests parts of who we are
And that's okay
Everything ends
Just remember me from when I was still capable of being friends
I know from your perspective I changed but this was always there
I tried my best to kill it quietly to keep you unaware
I never wanted you to see or hear or feel that side of me
So all along I tried my best to sit and suffer silently
I was always honest about how bad it could get
But I broke out all the warning signs that said you should have left
Now I'm lying in this bed made of rubble
And I still can't even get you to admit I was trouble
(Pour) I pour a double (pour
(Pour) I pour a double (Poor me)
(Pour) I pour a double sipping straight from the bottle between sips
(Pour) I pour a double
I got just enough money for a one way ticket
No bags packed just these bottles
Steady sipping
I don't even plan to leave the house
I'm staying in forever and I'm never coming out
Constantly plagued by my fraud complex
Play your position I been pissing on the false
I've been pissing off the gods
Cause I don't see em at all
I don't see that seat as a throne
I just see you sitting alone
But you want that life cause of what that's like just to get that light and be known
But if you did the work you would know
what it's like to be on top and wish to be home
Just wish you could go
Just wish you could disappear with your gear to a place in the woods with no phone
I'm on my Bon Iver
I'm on my never there
I'm on my surrounded by people but silent vacant stare
I don't care
Give a fuck about the fallout
Been at it all alone
I don't need yall now
I don't take calls
let it ring off the hook
Give a look at a glance
I'm fucking killing this shit
I got just enough money for a one way ticket
No bags packed just these bottles
Steady sipping
I don't even plan to leave the house
I'm staying in forever and I'm never coming out
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2. |
War Over Words
02:58
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Have you ever felt worthless
Have you ever felt worth more than this
I hold the throttle can't pull it back
I push it forward
Be forewarned this ride is going nowhere fast
And I never made the time to install
Seatbelts, brakes or airbags
Just before the crash I'll mash on the gas hit the nitros blast
Trying to make sure velocity is terminal
Too many times I've been standing on the brink and abruptly brought back
When it could've been so easy to be gone in a blink
It kind of makes me think that I might just have a purpose
Because it sure as fuck isn't good luck
And I'm just trying not to be worthless
Have you ever felt worthless
Have you ever felt worth more than this
Rhyming these words in a rhythm
Just trying to give them purpose
Purportedly I'm more than the
Average asshole with avarice
I want the world and everything in it
But not for the sake of just saying I'm winning
I want it for you
I want it for me
Everyone feeling the need to bleed to be heard
No one is going to war over words anymore
Just because no one is listening
See the future
See it glistening, glimmering
I can just make out
that last bit of hope
Hold with this like the North Star shining
A guiding light calling us home
Have you ever felt worthless
Have you ever felt worth more than this
Words are for rhythm
The venom is in the connotation
You seem complacent when nothing should offer consolation
When I work these words
This is what it's worth to be birthed on the brink of a breech
Bolt cutter teeth
Bold with the breadth of a beast
Meals over sleep
Millions of miles on my losing streak
But I'm losing no sleep
I haven't reached my peak
And I would still sacrifice to see the family feast
I'll never let you see a full on famine
It would be foolish to fathom
Ghost like a phantom
Death to the thought like Latin
Laughing it off
Lavish with love
Living a life with no luxury
Lugging this baggage chip on my shoulder
The doctor thought the weight was of an adolescent
Baby weight. It'll fall off when you're older
Dark horse candidate for
Hometown hero
Running on a platform
To burn the city down like Nero
But I'll build on the ashes
Keep driving with a crack in the axis
Keep fighting with a crack in the armor
Keep working. No breaks like a bad shift
Or like a cut in the line
Only thing that I'm full of in life is sacrifice
Never fall
Never slip in the least
What truth is burden to a beast
I can bare the weight
Most can barely bare to watch me
Have you ever felt worthless
Have you ever felt worth more than this
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3. |
(I Need a) Little Bit
03:50
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I need a little bit
I need a little bit
I need a little bit
I need a little bit
There's a fine little line between mania-and motivation
I been grinding I been racing
While the others get complacent
Ain't no fucking up my pacing
I'm so calm I look sedated
My nerves are so steady that I look like I already made it
Talking bout awards but that ain't fucking up my concentration
Terror of the sophomore slump what I've been contemplating
Trying not to dwell on all the murders that the police making
Shed a tear for all the dead I would die of dehydration
Damn
Got a lot on my mind
So many people hurting and such precious little time
Can't pretend I'm not defined
By the view of a stranger's eye
However I identify
They just see a black guy
So I'm...damned if I do
Dead if I don't do
Antithetical to unethical streams of revenue
Would be anarchist but civilians wanna kill me too
I'll never be safe but your kids might catch a breath or two
I need a little bit
I need a little bit
I need a little bit
I need a little bit
I let my beast of burden sip bourbon and burn a little bit
Take all the years of dying inside and turn it in to this
Always seemed to have a sort of sad sense of morbid bliss
Never really had the concept of any more than this
Mortified to have a life span of more than twenty six
Never had the dedication to avoid the river Styx
Further tied down to my own sinking ship
And the band played on
I've been so gone
Face looking so gaunt
Not getting what I need
No idea what I want
Thousand yard stare
Mind on some other shit
Feels like it's so close
All I need is a little bit
I can't seem to find a grip
And realize why
My people are dying
And they're fine with it
I don't really know what they expect to get
When everybody I love is in danger of death
I need a little bit
I need a little bit
I need a little bit
I need a little bit
All I need is a reason for the bleed
Diagnose my disease
I don't need your hope
I made my own
I hope to make it home
And see my friends again
Without my plans including more funerals to attend
Heaven is a lie to keep hope alive is a lie
Otherwise certain things would justify suicide
I don't need your hell
Already lived it
When I asked for help I saw nary a finger lifted
Gifted with the curse of caring for human beings
Who care about human beings without threat of hellfire
But that's me
You can do your own thing
If you can pop ambien and sleep at night knowing
We don't need cops
We don't even need laws
We don't need kings
We don't even need gods
They don't bring safety
Don't even bring gauze
They don't wanna save us
Think we too flawed
I need a little bit
I need a little bit
I need a little bit
I need a little bit
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4. |
People Like
03:29
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People like us just don't know when to stop
Shoot for the chest
Aim for the top
If we keep on building its destined to pop
Won't quiet down til the sound of the shot
Staying in the penthouse sleeping on a cot
Thousand count sheets but my pillow is a rock
I don't count sheep just staring at the clock
Attracting moths with the fire that I got let it burn
Let em learn let em lie let em live
Counting pros and cons on the railing of a bridge
Cavalry is coming cut em off at the ridge
Not enough graves tell the motherfuckers dig
Tell em dig or fuck it just let em drop
Stop shut em down
Open up shop
Tell em dig
Or fuck it just let em drop
People like us just don't know when to stop
I get no sleep
I only see you in my dreams
I get no sleep
I only see you in my dreams
Let em learn let em lie let em live
Counting pros and cons on the railing of a bridge
Cavalry is coming cut em off at the ridge
Not enough graves tell the motherfuckers dig
Tell em dig or fuck it just let em drop
Stop shut em down
Open up shop
Tell em dig
Or fuck it just let em drop
People like us just don't know when to stop
I get no sleep
I only see you in my dreams
I get no sleep
I only see you in my dreams
I get no sleep
Wake up to nose bleeds
Must've nodded off
Wipe it off on my shirt sleeve
Everyday occurence
Everyday exceptions must be made
And I prefer it
Profit over progress
Progression of infection
Losing the value of a dollar is a valuable lesson
Profit over progress
Progression of infection
Everyday occurence
Everyday is perfect
Everyday occurence
Everday is perfect
Everyday occurence
Everday is perfect
Every day is
Every day is
I get no sleep
I only see you in my dreams
I get no sleep
I only see you in my dreams
Let em learn let em lie let em live
Counting pros and cons on the railing of a bridge
Cavalry is coming cut em off at the ridge
Not enough graves tell the motherfuckers dig
Tell em dig or fuck it just let em drop
Stop shut em down
Open up shop
Tell em dig
Or fuck it just let em drop
People like us just don't know when to stop
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5. |
When It Ends
01:49
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I had a false start
I set some bad alliances
And everybody saw me walking
Head first into the lions den
No grudges
No remorse
I learned a lot from it
Lets all just move forth
Forward in force
Enforce a better mindset
Mind a modern marvel set in marble
Hard to dissect
Dropped out twice
Had to start teaching
Quit going to church
Had to start preaching
Part and parcel to being partial
To the full truth
Live love in praxis
To preach love's truth
I'm different
Check the differentials
At peace with the physical
And the existential
I'm mental. Mindful
Mind full of faith, too
Mind all the petty bits of evil
That I do
And I know and I know
That there's gotta be something more
There's just got to be something more
Just gotta be something
And I know and I know
That there's gotta be something more
There's just got to be something more
To you to me to us to all of it
You me us all of it
All of it all of it all of it
I'm young and I'm black and my hat's real low
To some that's three strikes to me that's just life
Wait. Strike that. Struck out and struck down
Stuck on the staying alive and in the right now
Put this in to your pipe
and bite down
Hard pill to swallow
He's been smoking a lot now
I don't think he's coping
He's not really open
He's not really in a mind state that let's hope in
Hopefully he'll change
His hope isn't the same
Heart, head, lungs, and liver victims of
things he did to maintain
Hack the mainframe
Minds are like computers
With no planned obsolescence
Just ready for the future
Let them be Veblen
When wallowing and reveling
Rife with the struggle and strife
Of being better than
Friends on paper
Battle to the bitter end
And when it all ends
Well, it just ends
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6. |
The New Deal
02:41
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3pm and something just feels wrong
Did I forget to take all of my medication?
Everybody else seems so happy but I
Can't figure out occasion for celebration
I gotta let it out cause when it's seeping in
It seems a bit to tight underneath my own skin and I
Feel like I have to lay low
Communications breakdown and I don't really know
If I should stay or go
I don't know what love means
I just know that I can't be peaceful when you love me
but when I piss somebody off and you hear "Peace, love".
you know exactly what that means, love
I was getting too good at goodbyes
until my main lady came along and opened my eyes
I don't have it yet all figured out
but I know when it's not the right time to bounce
I've been dealing with my own messed up life
You've been dealing with you're own messed up life
Both of us have had such messed up lives
I don't understand why this can't change tonight
3am and something still feels wrong
Guess I won't get to sleep until about dawn
Now the whole day is gone
Not that I really know what fucking day it is anyway
Did I forget when mama said, "You're okay, son"
Did I forget she said, "You got this. Stay strong."
I don't mean to make you out to be a liar
but I think I need a new prayer this one only kept away the priors
I'm doing good, right?
I don't mean I'm doing well. I mean you see me in a good light.
I'm doing good, right?
Because I'm not doing well and I could use some self worth
Look at the moonlight
It just takes off and goes and it never comes back
That's not for me, right?
I just gotta sit and wait...
I've been dealing with my own messed up life
You've been dealing with you're own messed up life
Both of us have had such messed up lives
I don't understand why this can't change tonight
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7. |
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We are who we are
When we aren't ourselves
It hurts us all
I hurt you so badly
I can't take it back
Alone I crawl
Listening to podcasts sitting on the patio
Smoking cigarettes by myself before the show
Trying to stay present
Even if it's lonely
This is how I made it
This is how it's gone be
If I can fight through feeling like this
I think that I can make it
Been so long since I felt anything at all
So dissociated
And I think
Better yet I know
I'll see another sunrise even if it's alone
And when everybody's gone I can always come home
And if they all come back I really should've known
Gotta learn to trust right along with the love
Can't let the fear be stronger than us
Gotta learn to hear when they tell me they love me
If it sounds sincere then assume that it must be
We are who we are
When we aren't ourselves
It hurts us all
I hurt you so badly
I can't take it back
Alone I crawl
Fighting panic attacks with Benadryl and cigarettes
Because I rap and I'm black I'm clearly an addict
Always had a hard time asking for help
It feels so selfish doing things for myself
Everybody loves me
Everybody cares
No matter how I am
They feel better that I'm there
It's just so hard to believe you
It's just so hard to believe you
I've been through so much all alone
I've been through so much all alone
It's no ones fault but mine you weren't there
I built up these walls with vacant stares
Left you knocking at the door
With no one home
We are who we are
When we aren't ourselves
It hurts us all
I hurt you so badly
I can't take it back
Alone I crawl
I just wanna let you know I'm back
I hope it's for good
You know I can't promise
I wish that I could
I don't like leaving anymore than you like seeing it
I'm trying to get better
I hope you can believe in it
Hope you can stay
But if you do go away
Know that I get it
And I still give thanks
Know that I'm still about to do what it takes
I'm doing this to cure way more than the heartbreak
I've been on the verge of a breakdown
Can't even look myself in the face now
Can't take the way I can't feel when I'm being given love and can't conceive it could be real
I can't live like this anymore
And no one should
And no one should
And no one should
We are who we are
When we aren't ourselves
It hurts us all
I hurt you so badly
I can't take it back
Alone I crawl
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8. |
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I have been but will not live
Invisible
It's hard living when you're nonbinary
And you just aren't feeling so confrontational
On good days it seems like going outside
Could just be anothergreat way to waste it all
Got so many things we've gotta parce thru
Without having to defend ourselves to you
Without having to explain ourselves to you
It's not even explaining what we do
It's explaining our existence to you
And not listening to
The most hateful of views
And the haste that we make just to take space to live
Is a burden that I can't understand why you give but
It's okay
We're alright
Wake up every day
And we live this life
We're okay
We're alright
Wake up every day
And keep living this life like
I have been but will not live
Invisible
What I am and who I am
Is none of your concern
You should learn
To just let me be
Responsibility to teach
Doesn't fall on me
Take a step back and just let me breathe
My gender's not dependent on what you see
That's why I act irreverent and dip like "peace!"
I just want to believe that my friends are safe
Don't need to look cis just for safety's sake
I'm on stage feeling like my heart could break
Seeing my people sing along like its amazing grace
And I only play shows where the space is safe
Cause I don't write these songs for fake allies
Think they have enough
And we don't get too much
That's why I write all of these songs for us
Some people thinkthat I pander to a niche
I would make this for myself if it couldn't be released 'cause
It's not about pride
It's genocide
Forget marriage I just want all of my friends alive
Can we talk about what really matters?
Fact of the matter is it matters to me
I'm black. I'm queer
I'm not safe here
I can't just move
It's not just fear
It's the state of world that we live in
Thoughts and the standards that children are given
They want to talk about who's fault it isn't
When the truth is that they don't want it different
Saying that it hits your heart and it moves you
Won't admit or forfeit the ways it behooves you
We come together so we can try
To make sure each other make it home at night
We come together so we can try
To keep waking up everyday and living this life like
I have been but will not live
Invisible
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Brian is Ze Houston, Texas
Brian is Ze is a lyricist and producer from Houston, TX. Fearless, bereft of fucks, and always on some new shit, Ze pioneered an era of aggresively socially conscious art in Houston. With rap style ripped from the mouths of the hip hop pantheon brandished with a scythe of pure wit and production like 8 genres ate each other, it's like a record store had a brawl and Ze won. ... more
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